Let’s Talk About Sex

when you don’t blog for a while, it makes for a very extensive and lengthy next entry.  there have been several things floating through my head recently as a result of my new job (which is absolutely fabulous, by the way!!!).

first, i heard on my favorite morning show, q-100’s the bert show, a discussion regarding talking to kids about sex.  one of the things that really stuck out to me was the idea that sex, something once so personal and sacred, has become so publicized.  a mother had caught her teenaged daughter exposing her goodies to random, strange guys via skype.

while i’ve never digitally exposed any of my goodies, i thought of my blog.  i’m aware that i’m actually quite conservative, maybe even prudish, as compared to some of my counterparts.  i’ve seen and read some things that would make a las vegas call girl blush.

but i actually struggled for some time with which parts of myself and my life i’d share with the world.  one of my consistent goals is to live for me, to authentically care not one iota what others think of me and to never again (since i experienced the challenges of teasing, bullying and low self esteem as a teen) let people’s opinions of me influence how i live my life.

at the same time, i’m at the start of an influential, human services career i’ve worked for my entire life.  part of this career involves working with impressionable young women who look to me for guidance.  and most importantly, i’m a parent.  while we all make mistakes, i don’t ever want to be shamed before my child or my own mother.

but as soon as i began to feel vulnerable, a friend emailed to let me know that she appreciates me sharing my life and experiences and reinforced my idea that i’m helping others feel connected and understood.  several others have also thanked me for my transparency.  and so ahead i forge.  i must admit though that my motives for blogging are still a little selfish.  i sort of want the pressure of knowing that people are watching my growth and hope that the pressure will push me to succeed further.  either way, i’ve resolved to maintain transparency while still being true to and consistently respectful of self.

all that to say that i’ve decided to share my (now changing) views on sex, sex education, adolescent health and how my son and i will talk about it all.  more to follow…

"Chairy"… Because She Was a Chair!

my sister called me at work.  as soon as i answered, she replied, “MECCA-LECCA-HI, MECCA-HINEY-HO!”
i laughed out loud, literally, at work.
we excitedly talked about how obsessed we used to be with PeeWee’s Playhouse, among other random shows like Punky Brewster, Small Wonder and the Snorks!  my sister shared that it had just then dawned on her that the chair’s name was Chairy… because she was a CHAIR!

it got me to thinking of other childhood memories.  did anyone else beg to lick the spoon after mom made a cake?  my thing now is… was there no such thing as salmonella?  because there were surely raw eggs in the batter.  and mom surely handed over the spoon…

What Now… Why Now?

I would like to begin by taking an assessment of my current situation, as opposed to attempting to introduce myself.  Most of us face the daunting task of self introduction by using terms such as “complicated” or “a lot has happened to me.”  I’m certain that most of us considered ourselves “complicated” or at least hard to describe in a few written paragraphs.  And we all seem to feel that life has been an up-and-down rollercoaster, that a lot has happened to us. 

At this moment, I sit in my dining area as my brand new ex annoys the heck out of me by sitting ten feet away eating stinky food and watching (loud) gameshow television.  My relationship officially ended two and a half hours ago.  We were engaged.  Or as engaged as lesbians can be.  We share a rented home with both our names on the lease.  I have a young child that has become very attached to my “ex” over the past nine months that we were together and we got a now five month old pup roughly three months ago.  A mutual arrangement put her as the sole breadwinner and in complete control of the household finances.

Without going into detail of who did what to whom, the separation will undoubtedly lessen the stress level for both of us.  I now have the challenge of finding a job that will adequately cover my expenses, finding a place to live and rebuilding my financial and emotional self.  Despite the enormity of this challenge, I feel relieved.  I was beginning to feel the pressure of being expected to change who I am.  I’m all for continuous growth and self-improvement but I’m really good with who I am to my core and typically head for the hills when someone tries to change me.  Want me to stop procrastinating or cut back on the road rage?  No problem!  Want me to be an emotional, needy, cuddly, in-your-face type of person?  Big problem!  I’m a Gemini.  Better yet, I’m THE textbook Gemini.  I like space, physical and emotional.  I like logic, challenges, change and pretty, shiny things.  All that to say I’m looking forward to being me again.  Fortunately, I’m not too far gone this time.  I’ve taken assessment at the end of some past relationships and been completely unable to even recognize myself.

So… that puts me presently as job-searching thirty-year-old lesbian Gemini newly-single mom grad student.  It’s certainly not my current circumstances that excite me but rather, the possibilities, the absolute necessity for change.

I’m really into numerology.  My favorite numerology guidebook, Life Cycles by Christine DeLorey, gives me an assigned “life cycle number”, sort of like an astrology sign, that (very accurately) describes who I am as a person.  Interestingly, I am a Five, the Gemini of numbers.  The book also designates a number that changes each twelve months to describe where I am and can expect to be this year.  This year, I am in a Nine cycle; which brings me to my point!  According to numerology, each life occurs in cycles of nine years.  I am supposed to be at a crucial point of assessing and confronting my past, tying up loose ends, completing unfinished business and cleaning up behind myself.  Essentially, the energy of the Nine cycle is proposed to be such that if I do not resolve my issues, past and present, I am doomed to repeat circumstances that “represent consequences of past actions, beliefs and attitudes” in a brand new nine year cycle.  I am to expect changes in ALL areas of my life and a very emotional year, which is evident even this early on.  Over and over, I am advised to face emotions and feel, feel, feel!

I tell you what… I will NOT be happy with another nine years like the previous.  Regardless of my present, seemingly stark, reality, I have a pretty great life.  My kid is the best.  My bff is hilarious.  My family is wonderful.  I laugh, drink wine, learn new things, and travel every now and again.  I consider myself pretty, smart, in-shape, and well-evolved.  Altogether, though, I am not fulfilled.  Here is not where I would have put myself if I did it all over again.

And so that’s what I’m doing…  I will look at my past (and present) in order to create my future.  How do I feel?  A little scared, a little sad, a little relieved and a little excited…