“To Be Young, Gifted and Black”

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i have just started this book and am amazed!!  one, that i’ve never read it before.  i have no idea where it came from (my favorite aunt, maybe?) or how long it’s been on my bookshelf.  and two, that no one else shared with me how intriquing this woman was.  it’s the “informal autobiography” of Lorraine Hansberry. 

i’ll be sure to do a complete review when i’m done but so far, i’ve highlighted and underlined all through the febble, tattered text.  some things that stuck out to me:

when discussing writing about oneself (which made me think of blogging,) she writes,

“For some time now- I think since I was a child- I have been possessed of the desire to put down the stuff of my life.  That is a commonplace impulse, apparently, among persons of massive self-interest; sooner or later we all do it.  And, I am quite certain there is only one internal quarrel: how much of the truth to tell?  How much, how much, how much!  It is brutal, in sober uncompromising moments, to reflect on the comedy of concern we all enact when it comes to our precious images!”

My Part in the Mess

so i was taking a shower and began my deep thinking (for some reason my deepest thinking and prayer occurs in the shower) about my previous experiences.  i was truly bothered by the fact that i’d been so moved by the recent events.  i had begun to feel that i was in a spiritual battle.  i was beginning to question my faith and some of my most ingrained beliefs.  i felt thoroughly disappointed and let down.  i was considering approaching my pastor for counseling.  and i thought of visiting the buddhist community center to chant with a close friend and open myself to other religious practices… to go searching…

i felt a level of anger i hadn’t ever previously felt.  and there’s this pain.  i mean an actual physical pain.  have you ever been so heartbroken that you feel a strange fluttery stab behind your ribs?  it’s the most difficult thing to explain so i haven’t ever really tried.  and i’m sure heartbroken is the wrong word.  because i’ve certainly not been that invested in anything recently.  but… despair maybe.  and it occurs when i’m really, really horny, too.  it’s like a physical reaction from the fear of being alone?…  i dunno.  like i said, hard to explain.  but very unpleasant.

anywho, these dramatic emotions caused me to just stop and think.  as a gemini, emotions aren’t my thing.  logic is.  so i began to pinpoint my part in the whole mess.  afterall, i’ve encountered some real a-holes but isn’t there a saying about pointing fingers or something?  i figure there has to be something i’m still doing or not doing to attract the foolishness into my realm… after so many lessons and so much time.  i declare that i’m so well educated on the ways of others, the ways of the universe and of myself… that i’m “ready” but i watch in horror, out-of-body style, as i brashly repeat old mistakes.

for example, if i’m really honest with myself… i developed some type of weird desperation i’ve never really had before.  now, i know what we’re all thinking, “peachy, you are WAY too fly for that.”  and we’re right.  i am.  but as cool as i am with being single, and as many benefits to singleness i’m unsure i’d like to sacrifice to coupledom, i do want to be in a relationship.  but i HATE dating.  i hate conjuring up my superb acting skills to pretend like i’m having the time of my life, she’s hilarious, fiercely sexy, and she’s not the dumbest bitch i’ve spoken with in the previous 8 hours.  it’s hard work!  and it’s expensive.  even if you’re dealing with the more chivalrous type and you’re not paying for all the dates… you’ve still got the outfits, the hair, the nails.  unless you want me in my quick-trip-to-walmart-crackhead mode, it’s gonna take some time, effort, and money.  and then, the kicker?  after all this acting and getting-to-know, it’s all for not when they inevitably get added to the hill of a-holes you’re no longer dealing with for some reason or another (typically, they’ve lied about something utterly stupid and irrelevant).  yes, i’m selective.  but i am not unrealistic in my expectations.  even my standards of physical attraction have changed somewhat.  so what gives?

well, with this last situation, i will shamefully admit that i acted quite desperately.  and that’s not attractive.  now, i wasn’t smothering or stalkery.  that’s not me (not that desperate is, either.)  but it’s almost like i was trying to buy my way out of this dating game!  it’s like i’m in some hurried panic to just rip the band-aid off and get this process over with already.  for instance, i paid for each and every solitary “date” we went on!  i ignored the fact that we never really went on a real date… just a bunch of hanging out at the bars of chain restaurants, quick meet-ups for lunch, a house party, a movie night on the couch.  and i always drove to her.  and she doesn’t live very close.  my mom has shared with me ONE rule for dating in all these years: “don’t be too readily available” and i broke it, stomped on it and threw it away. 

i’m almost sick to my stomach to think of it all.  and the crazy thing is, instead of just seeing the error of my ways and reverting to my normal, reasonable standard demanding self, my initial instinct to the dissolution of the “situation” (still haven’t spoken to her) is to go all the way to the left and be the old me.  the old me, y’all, was a mean, get everything she wants at any cost, heartbreaking, no respect for relationships BITCH.  i don’t want to be her again.  and so i wont’ be.  but it still amazes me that this was my first thought. 

even after all this time, with all the lessons learned, all the love for self grown and all the standards raised, this dating thing has really gotten the best of me… perhaps i’m approaching it all wrong.

Related Articles

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NEVER Again!

i am never ever ever again blogging about my (lack of) love life!!!  NEVER!  i am convinced i am under the influence of some type of weird blog anti-mojo.  as soon as i type those stupid, naive words of hope, something strange, ridiculous and totally not my fault happens with the previously “wonderful” chick.  take for example, the “wonderful” chick i was all effing excited about sometime in the last quarter of 2010… she had been carrying on with her damned mental issues and some psycho chick she’d sworn up & down she’d stop seeing.  in the meantime, i’d gone against my (mostly nonexistent) “instinct” and decided it would be too much to get to know a (really) super terrific long distance friend.  i still kick myself in the ass at least once a week about that one.  fast forward to january (yes, this one)… i begin seeing in person someone i technically met on-line although we’d met in person before and have a mutual “friend” (long story i’ll decline to share… or actually, short story about the realities of small world lesbian dating).  anywho, things had been going pretty ok.  one thing (of a small few) that bothered me is that we rarely made concrete, made in advance plans.  i met her brother and one of her best friends.  we hung out pretty much whenever we could with my tight schedule and her just as demanding time constraints.  there was a fair amount of “what you doin’ in an hour?” (which i hate but would, of course, oblige)  it wasn’t the lack of time that bothered me but moreso the appropriation of available time.  i loved that she works hard.  maybe i’d prefer someone who works smart.  but hey, at least she works.  thing is, when she has plans with her friends, they always seem to be more thought-out, made in advance type plans.  we weren’t necessarily “exclusive”.  instead, we’d both noted the fact that we just don’t date more than one person at a time, for simplicity’s sake.  she’d told me flat out that she wasn’t seeing anyone else.  and shoot me for being unfit for modern times, but i still automatically believe what people tell me until they are caught plainly in a lie.  and because i’d chilled with her and the buddies, i wondered why there were times when she claimed to miss me and really be trying to figure out how/when we’d spend some time together, but she didn’t invite me to these other recent friend events.  that to say, in a pms-induced heightened level of assertiveness, i asked her why that was.  aside from extremely curt replies to my bordering incessant texts and calls, she will now not speak to me!!!  i am baffled.  yesterday, i was sad.  today, i’m close to being over it.  and i realize i was more invested in the idea of getting out of this God-forsaken, torturous game they call dating and not so much in her.  with each crazy bitch, i swear i grow more weary and more leery of this so called “love.”  seriously, i just want it to be over.

one thing for certain though, mum is the Goddamned word!  i will not type another word of hope in relation to anyone i’m remotely interested in until maybe our 3rd wedding anniversary.  you guys have the secret blog voodoo bitch witch to thank for that, whomever she may be.

and for future reference, each and every person who thinks it’s a rad idea to tell me to relax and just let it happen, stop looking and it will come to me, it will happen when i least expect it… or any related variation of those bullshit cliches, will be signing up for a personalized, family-sized can of whoop-ASS!  i am not looking; it’s simply something i unapologetically want (like the rest of you undeserving butt-fucksfudge).  and believe me, it’s the LAST thing i expect, since i’ve come to realize that most people are full of SHITdonkeydoo!  and whomever has put their bad-vibe, love-wrecking energy on my blog… fuck forget you and your mother.  i will hunt you down and kill you deal with you according.

and if you weren’t going to tell me any of that crap, well, then… thanks!  i love you and you may disregard the previous paragraph.