And She’s Off!

I have definitely taken off out of the (re)starting gate.  I just completed my first day of work at the new job.  I have a few side hustles lined up for some additional income.  Everything seems in order for my new apartment.  I have gingerly began packing.  My first week back in class went swimmingly.  I have orientation this week to become reacquainted with my favorite charity org.  I feel as though I am literally starting all over from the beginning.  All is well!

My feelings are all over the place.  I’m invigorated.  I’m overwhelmed.

Of course, I have been doing some feeling to come to terms with my past.  The emotion that most frequently surfaces is rejection.  So, I am now on a mission to discover when, where and how rejection came into my life.  It’s easy to point to the merciless teasing that began around the fourth grade but I have a suspicion that it could have started even earlier than then.  This could be interesting…

One of my difficulties with this whole “facing the past” thing is my limited memory.  I have a really hard time remembering anything earlier than age ten and don’t remember anything vividly before age 14 or so.

Oh, random thought just pops into my head:  I never liked that I didn’t feel as close to my favorite cousins as my sister seemed.  We (and when I say “we”, I mean all friends, acquaintances and members of my extended family) called my cousins in order of birth.  For example, “Patty and Angel are coming to visit”.  We never, and I mean never, changed the order that their names were spoken.  And rarely were their names said separately.  On the other hand, everyone said our names (my sister and I) “Josie (not her real name; my younger sister) and TuTu (my real life nickname since the age of three)”.  I am realizing that really always bothered me.  Why do we remember the silliest, most inconsequential things?

More later…  It’s tough being back in the world of the working after such a lengthy hiatus.

Lunch at Zale’s

I am Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s… Running and running to only end up bumping into myself.  Aside from that, the obvious issue of not really knowing who I am or what I want, the trouble is I have always settled for less.  I take Lunch at Zale’s instead of demanding Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  I am patience-challenged.  I pray and wish and I get really, really close to “perfect” (job, relationships, self) and I stop right there.  I take it, scared that the next offer will decrease, like the contestant who takes the $50,000 in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire because the banker may rescind his generosity.

With that said, I got a job offer AND an apartment!  The job had been in the works since right before the holidays and the apartment was a quick, easy meant-to-be type situation.  My newest goal is to totally rebuild with acceptance of the fact that there will be hard work.  I am not where I want to be and there will be sacrifice to get there.  There is no Princess Charming to rescue me, no money falling out of the sky.  I’m thirty and that’s a late start by most standards but I have the knowledge and I have the tools.  There’s no reason now, with a commitment to excellence and high standards that I can’t “catch up”.  With my projected pay, my budget will be tight.  As long as I can maintain my general standard of living (frequent girl time, endless wine supply, and reasonable upkeep of my personal appearance), I will manage to live below my means in order to save, build wealth and plan for my future. 

So, in an effort to face my past, I began reviewing my old journals.  What I found are definite patterns.  I have frequently been job searching and relationship ending at the start of a new year.  I have been infatuated with one particular person for almost six years now and it’s influenced my relationships (no news there).  Most disturbing was the fact that I can find absolutely NO journal entries for last year.  This is odd because I’m pretty sure I journaled, maybe not regularly but at least some.

I will soon begin evaluating my past, this time last (and recent) years… but first, I need to locate my journal entries from 2009.  My memory is simply too bad for plain, natural recollection, no matter how extreme the events!

What Now… Why Now?

I would like to begin by taking an assessment of my current situation, as opposed to attempting to introduce myself.  Most of us face the daunting task of self introduction by using terms such as “complicated” or “a lot has happened to me.”  I’m certain that most of us considered ourselves “complicated” or at least hard to describe in a few written paragraphs.  And we all seem to feel that life has been an up-and-down rollercoaster, that a lot has happened to us. 

At this moment, I sit in my dining area as my brand new ex annoys the heck out of me by sitting ten feet away eating stinky food and watching (loud) gameshow television.  My relationship officially ended two and a half hours ago.  We were engaged.  Or as engaged as lesbians can be.  We share a rented home with both our names on the lease.  I have a young child that has become very attached to my “ex” over the past nine months that we were together and we got a now five month old pup roughly three months ago.  A mutual arrangement put her as the sole breadwinner and in complete control of the household finances.

Without going into detail of who did what to whom, the separation will undoubtedly lessen the stress level for both of us.  I now have the challenge of finding a job that will adequately cover my expenses, finding a place to live and rebuilding my financial and emotional self.  Despite the enormity of this challenge, I feel relieved.  I was beginning to feel the pressure of being expected to change who I am.  I’m all for continuous growth and self-improvement but I’m really good with who I am to my core and typically head for the hills when someone tries to change me.  Want me to stop procrastinating or cut back on the road rage?  No problem!  Want me to be an emotional, needy, cuddly, in-your-face type of person?  Big problem!  I’m a Gemini.  Better yet, I’m THE textbook Gemini.  I like space, physical and emotional.  I like logic, challenges, change and pretty, shiny things.  All that to say I’m looking forward to being me again.  Fortunately, I’m not too far gone this time.  I’ve taken assessment at the end of some past relationships and been completely unable to even recognize myself.

So… that puts me presently as job-searching thirty-year-old lesbian Gemini newly-single mom grad student.  It’s certainly not my current circumstances that excite me but rather, the possibilities, the absolute necessity for change.

I’m really into numerology.  My favorite numerology guidebook, Life Cycles by Christine DeLorey, gives me an assigned “life cycle number”, sort of like an astrology sign, that (very accurately) describes who I am as a person.  Interestingly, I am a Five, the Gemini of numbers.  The book also designates a number that changes each twelve months to describe where I am and can expect to be this year.  This year, I am in a Nine cycle; which brings me to my point!  According to numerology, each life occurs in cycles of nine years.  I am supposed to be at a crucial point of assessing and confronting my past, tying up loose ends, completing unfinished business and cleaning up behind myself.  Essentially, the energy of the Nine cycle is proposed to be such that if I do not resolve my issues, past and present, I am doomed to repeat circumstances that “represent consequences of past actions, beliefs and attitudes” in a brand new nine year cycle.  I am to expect changes in ALL areas of my life and a very emotional year, which is evident even this early on.  Over and over, I am advised to face emotions and feel, feel, feel!

I tell you what… I will NOT be happy with another nine years like the previous.  Regardless of my present, seemingly stark, reality, I have a pretty great life.  My kid is the best.  My bff is hilarious.  My family is wonderful.  I laugh, drink wine, learn new things, and travel every now and again.  I consider myself pretty, smart, in-shape, and well-evolved.  Altogether, though, I am not fulfilled.  Here is not where I would have put myself if I did it all over again.

And so that’s what I’m doing…  I will look at my past (and present) in order to create my future.  How do I feel?  A little scared, a little sad, a little relieved and a little excited…